Gentlemen, let's close up for Christmas

Well OBVIOUSLY I was always going to save this one for Christmas Eve. The best (and most appropriate) song from the best Christmas movie ever. Enjoy.



I hope you all have a fun and happy day tomorrow, and Santa brings you everything you've asked for. Merry Christmas.

Blue Peter Christmas "Special"

Is it me, or is this the weirdest bit of Christmas telly ever seen?



Unfortunately all of the cast and crew involved in making this died of embarrassment as soon as the cameras were switched off.

Big yellow digger

As an X Factor fan, you might think I'd be bitter about the Christmas number one debacle this year, but I am not. Let Rage have their day - it means nothing. NOTHING.

Why so cynical? Well, since you ask, my faith in the Christmas charts was first shaken back in the 1990s when the following CLASSIC TUNE was outsold by Mr Blobby.



But it wasn't until 2005 that I really gave up on the British public's ability to choose a decent festive hit. That was the year that Nizlopi released the JCB Song, below, which was surprisingly successful but not quite successful enough. It's not really about Christmas (neither is Babe, to be fair), but it's beautiful and simple, Optimus Prime is in the video and I love it. It was beaten to number one by Shayne Ward. Tut.

It's sentimental, I know

So, Killing in the Name is number one in the Christmas charts, and we all thought it was just a race between that and poor little geordie Joe's tune about climbing. It's only now that I've discovered a song that was also released in time for the Christmas charts, and is more deserving of the number one slot than both of them put together.

I'm not normally a fan of Tim Minchin, but White Wine in the Sun is everything I've ever wanted from a Christmas song. It's funny, it's beautiful, it's melodic, it's emotional and it name-checks Richard Dawkins. Perfect.



It's still available on iTunes, and half the profits are going straight to autism research. Now, isn't that a bit more Christmassy than all the Rage Against shouting and swearing? (Yes).

Over-use of "lovely" alert

Terribly sorry if yesterday's post gave you nightmares. Let's try a couple of lovely heartwarming scenes instead - firstly, the ice dance from my third-favourite Christmas film ever, Edward Scissorhands.



And secondly, a lovely touching moment from my second-favourite Christmas film ever, Gremlins. (Unfortunately I can't embed the YouTubery on this one, so you'll have to click here).

There, that's better. Lovely.

"When a star falls, a heart stops beating", fa la la la la, la la la laaaaa

As the blizzards ravage a festive Plymouth (well, some snow came down a while ago), I am reminded of the story of the Little Match Girl. I used to think that Christmas was all about happiness, family and presents - I was wrong. According to the story of the Little Match Girl, the Christmas season is about a small homeless girl trying to keep warm on the streets, until eventually she becomes so cold that she starts hallucinating and then... well, I'm not really sure what happens - I can never hear it for all the choking and wailing.

The harrowing tale is read here by Kylie Minogue. Yes, Kylie Minogue.



And if you're wondering whether Disney ever made a more child-friendly version, perhaps involving a talking match and a happy ending, your answer is a very firm NOT ON YOUR NELLY.



There, that got you in the Christmas mood, didn't it? DIDN'T IT?!?!! *Throws mince pie at wall*

Ten... pygmies farming

You know how I said yesterday that people sing 'five gold rings' with the kind of gusto normally reserved for Sonia's lines in 'Do they know it's Christmas?' (no need to check yesterday's post - that's exactly what I said, give or take).

Well, for my second daily Thing of Christmas, I hereby present Eddie Izzard singing at you.



Here's hoping I can link all of these posts together in the same seamless and professional way.

The clanging chimes of doom

Would you like a small portion of Christmas loveliness every day between now and Christmas Eve? Would you? Of course you would. Here goes...



First up, the 1989 version of 'Do they know it's Christmas?' - the Stock, Aitken and Waterman one. I love this because it's so frighteningly inappropriate. And because it's got Kylie in it.

My top five things about this version are:

5. Jimmy Somerville bopping his way through his first line.

4. The footage of starving Africans intercut with grinning popstars. If there was ever a perfect excuse to use the word 'juxtaposition', this was it.

3. Michael Buerk's Jedward-style spoken interlude. They missed a trick here: he should have rapped it.

2. A member of Bros (name unknown) delivering the famous Bono line "well tonight thank God it's them instead of yoo-oo-ouu, na na... yeah."

1. Lovely beaming ginger scouse pop personality, Sonia, belting out her lines with the kind of gusto normally reserved for "five gold rings". I can imagine the conversation Sonia had with Pete Waterman before recording this song.

Pete: "Would you like to be involved with a cover of the famous Band Aid classic from a few years ago, love?"

Sonia (beaming): "What's that then?"

Pete: "You know - Do They Know It's Christmas?"

Sonia (beaming): "You what, like?"

Pete: "Bob Geldof and Midge Ure wrote it. It's about famine."

Sonia (beaming): "It sounds a bit serious. What words do I have to sing?"

Pete: "You have to sing 'The greatest gift they'll get this year is life.'"

Sonia (beaming): "Aw, that's nice - it's about presents! I'll do it!"

An appeal on behalf of Olly Murs

There was no point in writing about last week's X Factor because (a) I've said it all before, and (b) the most interesting thing that happened was Rihanna appearing on a pre-watershed ITV1 programme to sing about shooting herself in the head. We all know how I feel about that song, so I'm going to leave well alone.

Unfortunately, this week there really is something that needs saying, and it's not good. I have a terrible feeling that this will be the week we say goodbye to the lovely Olly Murs.

I'm choking up just writing about it.

I don't know what's made me fear tonight's results show in the same way Jamie Archer fears a trip to the hairdresser. Perhaps it's because Olly was the first to perform this week and, sadly, the others will be more fresh in viewers' minds when they vote.

Perhaps it's because, for the first time ever, even I rated a Danyl performance as "acceptable" (Man In The Mirror, not the other one).

Perhaps it's because everyone on the Xtra Factor seems to think he's on his way home.

Or perhaps it's because he's a retro performer on a show where We Can Work It Out is considered "not a very well-known song" (cheers Louis).

I realise you might be a fan of one of the other ones (you know... Joe, whatsisface, and whatserface), but I beg you, if you have a telephone and a finger, please vote for Olly tonight. And here's why:









Oh bloody hell, I'm going to be watching all that when they show his "best bits", aren't I? Argh.

Please don't allow this to happen. The number is 0901 61 61 101, and it's 35p from a BT line.

Will you SHUT UP about Lady Gaga?

No I will not.



The problem with Lady Gaga (not that there is a problem, but if you thought there was a problem then it would be this) is (potentially) that she's so bonkers, her bonkersness is all people talk about. You mention Gaga and everyone goes "yes did you see the Kermit The Frog outfit?", or "that shoulder pads thing makes her look like a comedy hunchback", or "I hear she has a penis."

And then she does a performance like the one above, and you remember that she's actually an incredibly talented musician and singer. SO THERE.

Friday reading matter

Bored at work? Can't think of anything to occupy your Friday? Lucky you. Here's some stuff you can read.

1. If you enjoy being outraged by things in the Daily Mail, read this article by Sue Reid, 'Mapping out the strain on your NHS'. Racism in the Daily Mail almost goes without saying, but it's rarely quite this blatant and self-contradictory. Mailwatch has written a lovely response to this "news story", set out as a letter to Daily Mail readers.

2. If you enjoy reading about popstars making rash decisions for publicity, read this story about Robbie Williams proposing to his girlfriend on a live radio show.

3. And if you enjoy arguing about spurious top ten lists, here's Heat magazine's top ten "weird crushes" 2009. I can understand why Jeremy Clarkson is considered a strange person to have a crush on, but Derren Brown, Richard Hammond, David Mitchell and Michael McIntyre? What's so weird about them?! And as for Russell Howard... well, I'm sure it must be a misprint.

A few of my favourite things. 2: British cops

The second thing I'm thankful for, on this special day for the yanks, is... well... not living in America. I know there are some Americans who read this blog, and I'm very sorry to have to bring this up, but in Britain our cops don't generally go around tasering small children.

Yes, according to this article, and Arkansas police officer is currently being investigated for tasering a 10-year-old girl for refusing to go to bed.

I know it's a rare occurrence and the cop in question is being investigated, but even if you ignore the issue of tasering the poor kid, the fact remains that a police officer was called out to a house because a small girl refused to go to bed. That wouldn't happen here, as far as I know.

Every now and then, the British police release a list of bizarre 999 calls, to illustrate the kinds of things officers will not waste their time over: for instance, when people call to report their boyfriend for not letting them watch EastEnders. (I'm not kidding). I'm sure "my daughter won't go to bed" is the kind of emergency that would be on one of these lists.

But the officer in Arkansas didn't just rush straight to the mother's aid (as if that wasn't bad enough): he restrained the little girl, tried to handcuff her, then tasered her and carried her limp body to his car. The cop hasn't even been disciplined for this.

Makes you grateful for the baton-wielding maniacs we have in Britain, doesn't it? At least they send out Christmas cards.

A few of my favourite things. 1: Dragonette

As you may or may not know, today is Thanksgiving in Americaland. I quite like the idea of Thanksgiving, for two reasons:

1. It is based on an actual anniversary of something happening (it is, isn't it? Correct me if I'm wrong), as opposed to Christmas being some interchangeable Pagan / Christian middle-of-winter hooplah.

2. It encourages people to be thankful for stuff. Which is really quite touching and pleasant.

In honour of the yanks and their special day, I've decided to do a short series of blog posts about things I am currently thankful for.

NUMBER ONE THING: I am thankful for this song, True Believer by Dragonette, which is my current favourite song in the universe.



In case you're not familiar with them, Dragonette are a Canadian band who released their debut album, Galore, in 2007. You might have noticed it on my 'top 10 albums of the decade' list. They sound a bit like the Scissor Sisters would sound if they could just camp things up a bit, take themselves less seriously and sing about sex a bit more. They also sometimes sound like Lady Gaga, but not so much on the song above. Enjoy.

Howard Donald: Celeb in pain, world looks other way

In November 2005, Take That: For The Record was shown on ITV, to a UK audience of six million. It was a pretty good documentary about the boys, their time in the group, and what they'd been doing since the split in 1996. When the papers mentioned it, all they could write about was whether it would reunite the whole group - would Robbie turn up? Would he and Gary forgive and forget? Blah blah blah. They all but ignored the instance where one of the lads had confessed to feeling suicidal.

When the group split up, the Samaritans had to set up a special helpline for distressed fans. It was all about the fans - how would they cope? Many of them were girls in their early teens, and this was the first heartbreak they'd have to endure - poor them - but did anyone stop to wonder how Howard Donald was coping? Of course they didn't - he had fame and money, and no one with fame and money ever feels like their world is crashing in around them.

In the documentary, Howard says, "I already knew that the group was gonna finish, and um, I decided to walk out of the hotel and go to the Thames... I've never told anybody about this, I was seriously thinking of jumping in the Thames, thinking I wanted to kill myself. But I'm just too much of a shitbag to do it."

It's hardly surprising when you think about it. When he auditioned for Take That, Howard was re-spraying cars for a living. Dancing was his talent, and he landed on his feet when manager Nigel Martin-Smith took a liking to him and put him in the band. Suddenly, he was working with a group of best mates, travelling the world, earning more than he could ever have dreamed of, and there were adoring women everywhere he went. Then one day, before he'd grown tired of it, someone suggested it should all end. Everyone agreed but Howard, and he was powerless to change their minds.

It's the nature of celebrity, I suppose: some celebs are confident and comfortable with whatever ability they have and, rightly or wrongly, they feel like being famous is somehow their calling. Others, like Howard, can't believe their luck and spend every day worrying that the rug will be pulled from under their feet, they'll suddenly be a pathetic boyband has-been and nobody will love them any more.

The Smash Hits Take That tribute edition (out now in all good newsagents) illustrates this perfectly. It reprints some of the old interviews from the group's heyday, and the signs were all there.

Smash Hits: Is today a rehearsal for tomorrow?
Howard: [Emphatically] No it's not... I don't really know what I'm going to be next, to be honest. I've had such a good life - it might be my turn for something horrible after this.

Smash Hits: Is it really you that you see reflected in the mirror?
Howard: Yeah. But you can look at yourself and think, "Why me? Why am I this big in this group?" I can't believe it sometimes that the "me" in the mirror is Take That's Howard.
[Smash Hits being Smash Hits, of course, then moves on to a question about sausage rolls].

Smash Hits: Do you ever stop and wonder at how famous you are?
Howard: Oh yeah, all the time.

Smash Hits: Are you in love?
Howard: No, I'm in love with Take That and what I'm doing... I love the other members of the band. If one of them got hurt tomorrow I love them enough to cry.

Smash Hits: Does the thought of not being in Take That frighten you?
Howard: Yeah, it really does. If it all stopped tomorrow it would just hit me so hard. I wouldn't be able to take it.

And if he was saying this kind of stuff to journalists, heaven knows what he was saying to his closest friends. But would anyone have taken him seriously? Money and fame are no guarantee of mental health but that's how people seem to feel about celebrities, as if their piles of cash can somehow make everything okay - "what's he got to worry about? Bloody whingeing celebrities". And if everything's not okay, at least they can buy themselves another car or house, or enough booze and drugs to make it seem okay temporarily.

It's always worth discussing whether we should show understanding or even sympathy towards paedophiles and murderers, and many people do. But it's very rare that sympathy is shown towards rich people. I hope that the wilderness years between Take That's split and their come-back gave Howard some perspective, I hope he's okay now and he won't feel the same way when they inevitably stop making albums again. But if he does, I hope he knows that the Samaritans will listen to him as well as his fans.

"If we wanted to do a kick, we did a kick."

Okay, last X Factor post for this week (honest). I just thought I should point you towards this Jedward interview with Digital Spy, which is the most depressing / hilarious thing I've read in weeks. In case you can't be bothered with the whole thing, here are the edited highlights...

John: "We were never nervous to do anything, we just wanted to let loose. If we wanted to do a kick, we did a kick."

John: "We are the type of guys who know what is going on around us."

John: "We are going to do a lot of different things."

John: "After every performance, we forgot about it."

John: "The thing about working with Brian Friedman was that it was such a challenge." [I'm sure he says the same about you, dear].

John: "We write songs that aren't boring about missing girls and boring stuff like that."

John: "As I've said before, we're like Frosted Flakes."

Edward: "Maybe Coco Pops."

Edward doesn't say much but, by God, when he does it's cracking good stuff.

And I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to this self-penned debut album that isn't about missing girls and other boring stuff: What could it be about? What other life experience could they be drawing on for these amazing un-boring songs? The time they went to the zoo a couple of years ago and it was okay but their mum made them pay their own entry fee? The time they both did a dance move at the same time and Brian Friedman said "YES that's exactly what you need to do on Saturday" but then by the time Saturday came round they'd forgotten how they did it? This could be the album of the millennium, people. OF THE MILLENNIUM.

Jedwardian architecture

And the Straight Face of the Week award goes to... Simon Cowell, for keeping his emotions under control when Dermot revealed that the bottom two acts were Olly and Jedward.

Anything you'd like to say, Cowell? "I'd just like to thank the public for not voting for these two acts - it honestly couldn't have worked out better for me, money-wise, and my face nearly burst from trying not to look like I was enjoying it, but somehow I kept it together."

What he really wanted to do

Yes, on the final week of the judges having a say in who stays and who goes, somehow they managed to look like the good guys by sending Jedward packing. Not only that, but they also got in a quick "NO ONE'S SAFE - do you see? VOTE!" message by putting Olly in jeopardy. I'm not saying it's fixed (I'm honestly not) but if it was, this is exactly what they'd have chosen to do this week. It's no wonder the X Factor is so popular - its storylines rival Neighbours for sheer drama and lunacy.

So, what happened on Saturday?

Lloyd: This is getting silly now. When will people learn to compare him against the other contestants, not against how rubbish he was in his previous performance? Anyway, poor Lloyd was terrible again but survives to honk out another tune next weekend. SAVE LLOYD.

Stacey: Fine but a bit dull. I agreed with Cowell about Stacey - she was better in Queen week. Now that she's the only girl left, Dannii thinks she's getting all feminist on our asses by insisting we vote for her, and this is exactly why Germaine Greer should appear as a guest on the Xtra Factor.

Jedward: They had a bad week, and it was the right time for them to go (as predicted by me, I think you'll find). The architects of Jedward's rise and fall should be very proud of themselves. So, what's next for Jedward? Everyone's saying they should be children's TV presenters, which somewhat assumes that presenting kids' TV is a job any old moron could do. This must be quite galling for the likes of 'Sam and Mark'.

Danyl: I'd describe Danyl's performance this week as average, which is better than previous weeks. This is all very well, but your favourite popstar should be someone you wouldn't mind being left alone in a room with.

Olly: Oh Olly, I do love you but there are better George Michael songs than that one (although none come to mind right now). I don't think the song choice explains why people didn't vote though: everyone assumed Olly was safe, but we won't be making that mistake again, mark my words. *Prepares for biggest telephone bill ever seen*.

Joe: Absolutely bloody spot-on again, Joe. He really is astonishingly good, but he's perhaps a bit too perfect for me. I like my popstars with a bit less stage school polish. But I do genuinely wish him all the best (I'm sure he's pleased to hear this) and, if Olly loses out to Joe in the final, I'll be relatively gracious in defeat. (Translation: just a small nervous breakdown and maybe a little killing spree).

So, whose Youtube video am I going to choose this week? Okay, just for a laugh it's Jedward's final performance: the one in which they did a much-loved Boyzone ballad to show off the magnificent singing prowess that's been hidden behind those dancers all this time. Bye, Jedward - it's been emotional.

Golly, Murs!

Well that was a close one. I feel like someone I love has just had a life-saving kidney transplant.



Full review tomorrow, when my heart rate has returned to normal. PHEW!

Just call me Lt Pignut Columbo (SAY IT...)

If you, like me, have been desperately refreshing the Popjustice homepage for the last 48 hours hoping that this week's X Factor playsheet will magically appear in front of your eyes, I think it might be time to give up the ghost.

I've been doing a bit of detective work (yes I have) and I've discovered the following two things:

1. I don't really suit a deerstalker hat. This might be because I'm a vegetarian.

2. The man who runs Popjustice, the very delightful Peter Robinson, is getting married today! Married, I tell you! So I think doing a hilarious Wham / George Michael themed playsheet this week is probably above and beyond the call of duty.

Happy wedding day, Peter Robinson!

If you're totally bereft without anything to print out and play with this week, you could always try these terrifying X Factor masks. Why not print out the Danyl one, stick it to your face and vote yourself off?*

* Not a euphemism.

Things I have read this week

I seriously haven't got time to write all the thought-provoking, controversial and frankly world-shaking 'opinion' blog posts I'd like to write this week. Sorry, loyal fans.

There have been so many things going on, and so much WORK to do (I swear this is against my goddamn human rights or something), I haven't even managed to form an opinion, let alone write about it. That's a lie: I have formed them - you'll just have to guess on which side of the fence I'm sitting.

Here are some of the interesting things I've read this week but haven't had time to write about...

1. A really good article on Times Online about the decline of feminism.

2. A heartwarming little story about the "outing" of Belle de Jour, and the fellow blogger who guarded her secret for years.

3. Edgar Wright (director of Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, etc) and his crusade against The Times for reproducing his (edited) writing as a 'comment' piece without his permission.

I've also been itching to tell you what I thought of Sky 1's Michael Jackson seance and Channel 4's 'The Execution of Gary Glitter', but since both of them were first shown over a fortnight ago it's probably not worth it. Suffice to say, I didn't like either of them.

Wot, no Morrissey?

As promised, here are my absolute definitive top 10 albums of the decade. I hope you will heartily agree with every single one of them. (You won't).

1. Girls Aloud, Tangled Up
2. Will Young, Keep On
3. Ladyhawke, Ladyhawke
4. Sugababes, Overloaded
5. Lady Gaga, The Fame
6. McFly, Radioactive (deluxe edition)
7. Dragonette, Galore
8. Kylie Minogue, Light Years
9. Scissor Sisters, Scissor Sisters
10. Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

Special mentions should also go to (in no particular order) Florence and the Machine, Take That, Kings of Leon and The Saturdays. And if a Robbie Williams album was released that contained all his best work, it would definitely be in my top 5 but unfortunately that album does not exist and the greatest hits just doesn't cut it.

I know the Girls Aloud one might be controversial - even among fellow Aloud fans, Tangled Up isn't generally considered their best - but I think it's the one that works best as an album. It's quirky and forward-thinking, it flows nicely, and it took me literally months to learn to love it but I'm glad I made the effort.

Sugababes' Overloaded won't be in anyone else's top 10 because it's a greatest hits-type compilation, but I don't play by the rules. The fact is, Sugababes are a singles act, and Overloaded is one of my most-frequently-played CDs, so stick that in your pipes and smoke it.

I'm not going to go through all ten and describe them to you (each album title in the list is an Amazon link if you want to know more) but I'd like to point out that 2000 to end-of-2009 was a GREAT decade for pop. There's been such variation: from retro 70s and 80s-style pop-rock (McFly) to futuristic crazywomen (Gaga, La Roux), from barnstorming camp (Kylie, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Dragonette) to sophisticated cleverness (Ladyhawke, Winehouse, Florence).

This begs the following questions: What will the pop landscape look like at the end of 2019? Will Madonna ever admit defeat? And how will we keep our iPod earphones in while we're bombing around on hoverboards?

Thumbs aloft!

Ohmygod, Smash Hits is coming BACK for a special one-off Take That edition, on sale in the UK as of TOMORROW. Why has it taken literally all afternoon for this very important news story to reach me? WHY??!! If you normally email me with things it is essential for me to know, you're fired.

Obviously it's very exciting that a whole magazine will be devoted to the lovely That boys, but what's even more thrilling is that this is the second special "one-off" Smash Hits in the space of about six months, the first one having been a Jacko special just after he died. This is VERY SIGNIFICANT: is it the start of a trend? If the Take That edition sells well, are we going to be treated to regular Hits publications? Now that the possibility is there, I honestly don't know if I can live in a world where this doesn't happen.

If you're not familiar with it, in its day (the 80s and early 90s) Smash Hits was the best thing a young pop fan could read. When people speak of it now, they normally make some sort of reference to the songwords section, in which all the lyrics to the pop hits of the day were written out so that you could sing along. And yes, that was incredible (and quite confusing at times), but the best thing about it was simply the way it was written.

Smash Hits loved pop, and wasn't afraid to show it, but it never blindly followed a previously-adored artist who'd started going off the rails. If a popstar was going mad with power, or looked ridiculous in their new video, Smash Hits would be the first to bring them down a peg or two. But not in a tabloidy 'let's get a photo of her in her undies' sort of way - just with a bit of gentle pisstaking.

'Ver Hits', as it was known, famously ridiculed Paul McCartney, Oasis, Jacko and all the rest. But it was almost like the journalists were bantering with their friends, and that really showed in interviews with clever, funny popstars like Jarvis Cocker (in one of my favourite Jarvis interviews he told Smash Hits that he'd recently fallen through his living room ceiling from the attic). Anyone who took themselves too seriously was shown up as a buffoon.

The Smash Hits writers of my youth were intelligent, charming and passionate about music, but above all else they were funny. They had a great eye for a hilarious quote, caption or headline. And their punning skills were second to none. Observe...

Take Hat! Hahahahahahaha! Sigh...

And not only did they write 'Take Hat', they put it on the front page! What self-respecting magazine would do that sort of thing these days? If you know, please tell me - I want to work for that magazine.

Unfortunately it all went downhill soon after they changed the 'Smash Hits' typeface on the cover. The final regular edition was published in 2006: the only people who buy music magazines now are bearded Q and Mojo readers, apparently. Anyone younger than 50 just illegally downloads their favourite magazines while happy-slapping their own mums, or something, apparently. According to the all-knowing so-called "focus groups" and so-called "sales figures", we don't want hilarious pop-based punnery or song lyrics.

OH REALLY? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. *Prepares to empty bank account buying multiple copies of Take That special.*

Is that it?

The NME has just released its top 50 albums of the decade, as voted for by a bunch of pillocks.

The top 10 is:

1. The Strokes, 'Is this it?'
2. The Libertines, 'Up the bracket'
3. Primal Scream, 'Xtrmntr'
4. Arctic Monkeys, 'Whatever people say I am, that's what I'm not'
5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 'Fever to tell'
6. PJ Harvey, 'Stories from the city, stories from the sea'
7. Arcade Fire, 'Funeral'
8. Interpol, 'Turn on the bright lights'
9. The Streets, 'Original pirate material'
10. Radiohead, 'In rainbows'

Um, excuse me NME people? You do realise that Busted released 'Busted' this decade...?

I am joking of course (Busted's debut was nothing compared to McFly's), but that's one particularly depressing top 10. I own a copy of the Strokes album and it's very good, but there must be something that's surpassed it since it was released in 2001, surely?

I deserted boring indie music in favour of exciting pop somewhere around 2002/03 and it sounds like I got out at exactly the right time. If I were to compile my own top 10 pop albums of the decade (which I'd be working on right now if I didn't have a job to do) it would be A LOT more interesting, and would feature Girls Aloud quite prominently. Watch this space...

"Go with the 'fro!" ...Or just go.

This weekend's X Factor might have been the best yet. As if a programme featuring a rubbish stage invasion and Olly Murs isn't awesome enough, Jamie Afro got kicked out! (Oh, spoiler alert by the way). Brilliant.

Jamie "tamed afro" Afro: I didn't think this performance was any worse than usual, so I was a bit surprised to see Jamie in the sing-off but THANK GOD. Hilariously, in his post-results Xtra Factor interview, he still looked like he thinks he's going to win. How does he do it?

Lloyd "help me!" Daniels: Every time Lloyd is in the bottom two and is saved from going home, God kills a puppy. This is the only possible explanation for poor little Lloyd's heartbreak, apart from the fact that he's totally convinced he doesn't deserve to be there. There should be a Save Lloyd campaign encouraging people not to vote for him. Poor chap - he's being kept there against his will. SAVE LLOYD.

Olly "the hand" Murs: Everyone is talking about Jedward being the entertainers and the rest of them being "proper singers", but Olly is hugely competent at both, and he has this mythical 'x factor' too, whatever that is, despite having a rubbish haircut. He wasn't as good as usual this week, but I think we can put that down to his mangled "Hell-hand", which Cowell referred to as "a bit of a poorly finger - get over it" before the performance, and "HE NEARLY BROKE HIS GODDAMN ARM, GIVE HIM A F**KING BREAK" afterwards. I'm paraphrasing a bit.

Joe "the tilt" McElderry: Aw, bless him. I am probably now Joe's second biggest fan in the world (after Sarah, whose obsession is verging towards inappropriate if you ask me. EDIT: I am wrong about this - it's actual love, which is never inappropriate when you think about it, it's just heartwarming. Even in the case of a 12-year age gap). He really can sing quite well, can't he? Note perfect.

Jedward: I hate to say it, but I think this week Jedward were back to their Britney best, if you can call it "best". (You can't). This is still no reason to vote for them. It's a shame Under Pressure wasn't given to one of the better artists (yes, I'm calling them artists now), but I will forgive that. Incidentally, John or Edward's comment that the hybrid with Ice Ice Baby "hasn't been done before" is pure factual wrongness.

Stacey Fromdagenham: From the second Stacey's version of Who Wants to Live Forever? started, I was really impressed and I continued being impressed throughout. I do love a good power ballad. I don't know why they're trying to turn her into Leona (we've already got one thanks), but nevertheless it was brilliant.



Danyl "I'm proper humble, me" Johnson: Right, now that Jamie's gone I can really concentrate on hating Danyl. I'm getting bored of the 'cocky / not cocky' storyline now: we all know that, if this man's self-confidence was shared out among the whole UK population, there would still be enough left over for Belgium. But what does that matter? If he wants to be a popstar, he needs to be cocky. It's his fake non-confidence that I hate the most. And his stupid big mouth.

And that's your lot for this week. I think Stacey and Joe were my favourites, but if I'd voted it would have been for Olly because I was a bit worried for his safety (in the competition, not in life). Only six contestants left now, but at least I don't have to look at that stupid clown hairdo ever again - life is good.

Oo, another graph! Yikes!

Considering I'm a non-mathsy person, I really do love graphs a surprising amount. I love how they visually represent things that are complicated to understand - it's ace. Why is there no "I love graphs" Facebook page? (Actually there probably is - I haven't looked).

A week or so back, I told you exactly how much I love one particular proponent of graphs, Information is Beautiful, and now I've been introduced to another. The Times Online has a Times Labs blog that does a similar thing, and recently featured a graph showing that, surprisingly, music artists are earning more money since the advent of illegal file-sharing, not less.

Personally, I think stuff like this needs to be taken with a larger pinch of salt than the Information is Beautiful blog. Why? I'll tell you why.

1. The Times website has an agenda. Obviously. It's attached to a national newspaper - it's trying to dig up statistics that are newsworthy and controversial, so it's not surprising that the results of this research are newsworthy and controversial.

2. This particular graph is notable for the absence of a lot of detail. For instance, the graph only shows how much money artists get from tours and the sale of music - there's more to it than that. And how much would they be earning if it weren't for illegal file-sharing? How do all these figures compare with rates of inflation?

3. Unlike Information is Beautiful, the Times blog does attempt to analyse the figures afterwards. Of course it does - it's an editorial piece really, not an attempt to give the true, unbiased story.

4. The issue of illegal file-sharing isn't quite as black and white as this. Personally, I don't care how much my favourite artists are earning compared with last year - I care how much they earn compared to how much work they put in. If they've released an album and toured in the past 12 months, but 90% of their fans are downloading their music illegally, they might be earning more than last year but it's still not fair.

5. "Evidence" like this justifies something that's morally wrong on the flimsy grounds that popstars earn more money than you do, and it's rising, so they can afford to lose some of it. I'm afraid that's not the point. If someone has created a song that somehow improves your life, you should be prepared to thank them by paying 79p for it.

Having said all that, I do understand that the illegal downloading of music isn't a massive crime, it's easy to do and it's easy to justify - especially when the record companies seem to earn so much compared to the artists involved.

One of the problems I have with illegal downloads is that they create such a discrepancy between music that's enjoyed by people who pay for it and music that's enjoyed by people who'd prefer to grab it free from the internet. But mainly, I just think it's a shame that, of all the jobs we do, the people who work hard to write music are the least likely to be paid by the people who benefit from what they do. There is something horribly wrong about that.

As the lovely Russell Howard once said, "Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music can make you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand; Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm." And if that's not worth 79p, I don't know what is.

Gaga 1, Leona 0

It really annoys me when music video directors get the wrong end of the stick. Yes, I know the words that spring to mind here are "anger" and "management", but bear with me.

Let's take the new Leona Lewis single, for instance. Before I saw the video, whenever I listened to Happy it struck me as a song about freedom, about walking away from a damaging or just not-quite-right relationship ("I've gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound, don't care about all the pain in front of me - cos I'm just trying to be... happy"). It was a bit feminist, a bit euphoric, and a bit "yes, go for it Leona!".

But now that I've seen the video, it just seems to be about Leona standing around looking a bit miserable and being rejected in favour of another woman. The video is really tedious, which doesn't seem to fit with a massive dramatic power ballad. Did the director miss the point? Have I missed the point? (As if). Or is this just an effort to make the video fit with Leona's "oh dear poor Leona" image? Perhaps the next video will just be footage of her getting punched in the face at a book signing.

Anyway, it's here if you must watch it. Maybe the love interest rejects her because her videos are too boring. Maybe he "just wants to be... happy". That would make a lot more sense.

However, a music video not being what you expect it to be is not necessarily the end of the world...



I thought Bad Romance was a straightforward offbeat love song, but it turns out it's about sex trafficking and Lady Gaga being on fire.

I'm not going to review the video. You should just watch it - it speaks for itself. But if I was going to review it, that review would contain the following words/phrases: oh my god, amazing, feminism (again), BOOM, nipples, product placement, and "you might think it's a simple pop video but actually it's ART."

Funny how she goes around with her boobs out all the time but every man I know is completely terrified of her.

New Robbie album in "might not be brilliant" shock

Is Robbie Williams a "love him or hate him" kind of popstar? Lots of people seem to think he is.

True to form, I neither love him nor hate him: I like him a reasonable amount. He's charismatic, intelligent, interesting and genuine, and yes he's done some rubbish songs and yes he's acted like a berk on more than one occasion. But don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes - haven't we all done similar things in our time? Remember the time my seventh studio album received mixed reviews and I took lots of drugs and moved to LA? No...?

The advent of a new Robbie album is an exciting and wondrous thing. I've listened to Reality Killed the Video Star a couple of times now, so here's my knee-jerk reaction review.

Song you don't need to pause if you're going out to make a cuppa: Superblind (which, disappointingly, is not about a venetian blind that can fly).

Song that's better on the album than on its own: You Know Me (the waltz).

Song that is hopefully a "grower", otherwise there really is no hope for this album or the future of pop: Blasphemy, which was co-written by Guy Chambers - yes, THE Guy Chambers. I was really excited about this song before I heard it.

Likely singles: He keeps churning out Morning Sun and Starstruck on the telly, so let's presume these ones have a chance at being future top ten hits.

Songs that 'tip the nod' to Rudebox without being very good: Last Days of Disco, and Difficult for Weirdos.

Song you wouldn't want to pop up on your car stereo unexpectedly while driving home from a funeral: Deceptacon.

There are other songs too. As far as I can tell, this album doesn't contain anything as good as Supreme or No Regrets.

So in summary, it might not be very good. But then, it might be very good - it doesn't seem like the kind of thing that will wear thin too quickly.

I don't see it as a 'moving on' kind of album though. After the knock-back Robbie suffered with those Rudebox reviews - and incidentally, there was a lot of good stuff on Rudebox - he seems to have gone back to the old 'cheeky Robbie pop' image, without learning much from the progress he seemed to be making three years ago. Those three years have seen some big changes in pop, so Robbie's in danger of disappearing quite rapidly backwards by standing still, in the way that he would do if he were to stand on a moving treadmill (and that would be quite funny to the casual observer, but if you were Robbie's mum or one of his fans it would look really quite tragic and horrible and you'd worry that he might have hurt his knee).

Mind you, I'll probably change my mind in a week.

By the way, the worst lyric I've noticed so far is "what's so great about the great depression? Was it a blast for you? Cos it's blasphemy" from Blasphemy. But it wouldn't be a Robbie album without some tragically inept wordplay. He is my inspiration.

Afraid-y Gaga*

Oh my good heavens, have you heard 'Dance in the dark' by Lady Gaga? Well, have you? It's from the new album, The Fame Monster, and it's spectacular.

The verses sound a bit like 'I like it rough' (which is no bad thing), it's all electro-crazy and the chorus goes "Baby loves to dance in the dark, cos when he's looking she falls apart", which makes it the most emotional high-tempo slice of pop campness since 'Heartbreak make me a dancer' by Freemasons (featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor).

So essentially, it's about a woman who's got herself into a relationship with someone who tells her she looks rubbish. Her self-confidence has been shot to bits, to the point where she's scared to even dance in front of him. But she still loves to dance, in the dark. I can't quite imagine this happening to Gaga herself, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I can definitely imagine her being able to dance in the dark without falling over.

Is there any way this song could possibly be improved? Answers on a postcard, please, and I shall disagree with all of them. Here it is: CLICK HERE FOR AWESOMENESS.


* To make your own puns of this quality, all you need is a rhyming dictionary and a high shame threshold.

Irritable Cowell syndrome

Okay, I've figured out how I feel about yesterday's X Factor results. But first, let's go through Saturday night's performances shall we? Right.

Stacey Fromdagenham: Another great performance from Stacey, and she's still one of my favourites but... I don't know, I'm just not getting all that excited about her any more. Yes, she's got a great voice and it's completely different from her speaking voice, but I'm over that now. Do something different next week, Stace: I suggest a rave anthem. It worked for Westlife.

Olly: There is something new and different and interesting about this chap every week. This week it was the striped bobblehat he was wearing in his VT, which had me excitedly referring to him as "Where's Olly?" for the whole weekend. I literally love him, and so does everyone else.

Lloyd: I think I need to make my position on Lloyd very clear. He seems like a very sweet and lovely young chap, but he's not as good as the rest of them. It's not his fault though, and I do feel bad for him when everyone takes the piss. Poor Lloyd.

Jamie: BORING BORING BORING BORING. *Shoots self in head*.

Lucie: Still boring, but she was growing on me a bit before her untimely exit (more on that later). I spent most of her and Jamie's performances discussing what it means if you're gay and wear a sort of hanky thing in your back pocket like Jamie does. The results of this discussion are frankly unpublishable.

Danyl: His 'serious face' is still getting on my nerves and he needs to stop being so needy.

Jedward: This was the first performance of Jedward's that I didn't really enjoy. They've drowned in Brian Friedman's "ironic modern dance" thing and are just playing it for laughs now, which of course makes it completely unfunny.

Joe: Awwww, bless him. Joe was really good this week - second favourite behind Olly. Clearly Louis's comment about him being a 'musical theatre star' was a euphemism and just wishful thinking. I was going to give you a Youtube clip of Joe, but Popjustice got there first and you might think I'm copying. Actually it doesn't matter does it? Here goes.



Incidentally, Popjustice has also done a lovely write-up of Joe, which talks about his 'special relationship' with Cheryl and his endearing head-tilt.

So, that was Saturday. What about Sunday's controversy-o-rama?

First off, Cowell. Why does everyone blame Cowell for taking it to (dramatic sound-effect) DEADLOCK? The set-up of the whole show is silly, and there's not really any point in having the sing-off (apart from to increase the tension and drag it out for another 20 minutes). But it's not Cowell's fault that Lucie and Jedward ended up in the bottom two.

Secondly, I'd have preferred it if Lloyd, Jamie or Danyl had been chucked out, but Lucie really isn't that interesting either so I'm not that fussed about her leaving.

Unfortunately it all comes down to democracy in the end. Did you vote? Would you have bought a Lucie Jones album? No? Why not? Because, at this stage, you're probably not really that bothered. And let's face it, it's only a game show.

Yes, Cowell and co would have you believe that, if you didn't vote, you have no business complaining - as if it's the same thing as a general election being called, you not bothering to vote, and Nick Griffin suddenly becoming Prime Minister. But it's not the same thing - the X Factor is built on controversy, tabloid coverage, and people talking. This has got people talking, and it will get people voting next week. That's all there is to it, and that's why Cowell took it to (boom boom) DEADLOCK: so that you'll have no-one to blame but yourselves.

Jedward can have another week or two. After that, the viewing public will know the other contenders well enough to have a firm favourite and keep watching to the end. And Jedward, mere pawns in Cowell's evil game, will be taken out through the studio's back door and humanely put to sleep.

True or waltz?

If the pop charts are to be believed, it's currently mid-December: at least two high profile Christmas waltzes are being released, to accompany your post-Queen's-speech traditional family ballroom antics.

What is the meaning of this annual love affair with the waltz? Why is everything suddenly slowed down, balladized and performed in 3/4 time? Is it because Christmas is a time for romance? For gentle swaying? For Strictly Come Dancing? I don't know.

Anyway, the leading contenders for Waltz of the Year are Robbie Williams and Pixie Lott. And here they are - here's hoping you don't die of boredom before the end of this blog post.



That was Pixie Lott. WAKE UP. Now this is Robbie:



I have to say, I prefer the Robbiewaltz, although it's a bit like choosing my preferred method of being slowly tortured and killed. Writing anything in 3/4 time inevitably makes it feel old and unoriginal, like something that ought to be performed on X Factor 'big band' week.

Having said that, there is something about McFly's 'She Left Me' that is adorable, in a self-aware kind of way. See, if you can write a waltz that knows how rubbish waltzes are (and contains a voicemail reference 'for the kids'), you're onto a winner. It's still a bit boring though.



Come on then, people: favourite waltzes in pop. You know you want to discuss this.

(PS I am pretty much just killing time so that I don't have to write about this week's X Factor until I've decided how I feel about it.)

OH THANK GOD. SERIOUSLY.

This week's Popjustice X Factor playsheet has only just appeared on the site. I was starting to think they'd abandoned the whole idea (I might have panicked a bit but I'm fine now), but it turns out they were just preparing the best playsheet ever.

Don't have a printer? Simply steal one from PC World, trace the playsheet from your screen, or at least copy out the special Movie Week 'rate the finalists' bit.

Murder-o-rama

If I could put up with his unrelenting misery, I'd refer to Charlie Brooker as "my future second husband" quite often. As it is, I normally stop myself before letting such a drastic statement emerge from my face. Nevertheless, I'm quite content for him to be my future close friend, or even future brother-in-law, at a push. This is because he says stuff like this:

"Repeatedly showing us a killer's face isn't news, it's just rubbernecking. And, what's more, this sort of coverage only serves to turn this murdering little twat into a sort of nihilistic pin-up boy."

He was talking about a German mass-killer (who I'm not going to name or dwell on, for reasons that will become clear) as part of his Newswipe programme, which went out in March of this year on BBC4. But the same could easily be applied to the coverage of two mass-killings that have taken place this week in the US: one at a Texas army base and the other in an Orlando office building.

The news coverage of these things is always the same: It starts with something like "X number of people have been killed by a disgruntled [insert job title here] in [town A], who donned a [insert type of coat here] and wrought his sick revenge upon [co-workers / family / school chums] by pumping them full of [bullets / stabby wounds / bonks on head] before turning the [gun / samurai sword / lead piping] on himself."

The story is talked and talked about, it's picked apart and drooled over by any journalist who secretly always wanted to be a detective. The killer's face is suddenly all over your screen and your front page. "Oh my god, it's Bob", people say: "I went to school with him!" And now he's the most famous man in the country, if not the world, for a few days.

Until the next one, that is.

The episode of Newswipe mentioned above referenced a Forensic Psychologist called Dr Park Dietz, who was interviewed for a British news channel soon after the aforementioned German mass-killing. And I quote:

"Don't start the story with sirens blaring; don't have photographs of the killer; don't make this 24/7 coverage; do everything you can not to make the bodycount the lead story, not to make the killer some kind of anti-hero. Do localise this story to the affected community and make it as boring as possible in every other market, because every time we have intense saturation coverage of a mass murderer we expect to see one or two more within a week."

I understand that TV companies and newspapers have to make money in a competitive environment. I understand that any news source that doesn't accompany a story like this with a photo of the killer will seem like it's on the back foot.

But there are plenty of other things to report on, plenty of other stories to investigate, and even plenty of other ways of getting the same story across. And the worst culprits are often the BBC, who are supposed to have a responsibility towards their viewers, who pay directly for this coverage.

It's not hard to see how a vulnerable, unstable, desperate and angry person can see footage like this and think that a mass-killing (preferably with a higher bodycount than the last one) will make their mark on the world. And, thanks to our news networks, they're absolutely right.


Charlie Brooker's Newswipe, March 2009 (watch from 5:50 to 8:50)

Knowledge is power

Information is Beautiful is the most interesting thing on the internet. And if I had the knowledge and software, I'd make a little graph to illustrate how interesting it is compared with, say, Holy Moly and Fearne Cotton's Twitter page. The outcome would be VERY INTERESTING. Actually, hang on...

Literally the best I can do.

Anyway, the site is a blog that illustrates various factual things in a visual way. Simplicity is the key: it simply shows you the facts and allows you to make up your own mind, which is a refreshing change.

It will often illustrate something that's been in the news recently, allowing you to escape whatever media bias you've been subjected to thus far. For instance, there's a brilliant post entitled How safe is the HPV vaccine? which was published soon after a lot of press stories about serious side effects and even death resulting from the vaccine against cervical cancer. The Sunday Express had even published a front-page article headed Jab 'as deadly as the cancer', which is the kind of thing that makes me want to shoot all tabloid journalists dead.

The HPV vaccine graphics show quite clearly how likely it is that you'll die from the vaccine, against how likely it is that you'll die from cervical cancer. For comparison, it also shows how likely you are to die from being struck by lightning, or driving a car.

The site doesn't go into a lot of detail or analyse its findings: it just gives you the ammunition to be able to say "well actually, it seems that the risk of cervical cancer far outweighs the risk from the jab, so my child will still have the jab", or even "I know it's not as high as the number of people who die from the cancer, but the number of people who've died soon after the jab is higher than I thought it was, and I don't want my daughter to die from something I've made her do, so she's not having the jab".

It enables you to make your own informed decisions by exploding some of the myths you'll have been encouraged to believe.

The blog's author puts a lot of these graphics together, but there are also bits and bobs from other sources, and they can be really pretty as well as informative. If you want to know the generally-accepted views of left vs right in British politics, here you go: LINK. Isn't that pretty? Or if you want a timeline showing time travel in popular film and TV, it's here.

See? Information IS beautiful, and fun, and awesome. I sound like a geography teacher, don't I? Arse.

Nostalgia trip

Can ANYONE in the world remember what happened three days ago? I mean, three days is a long time. I'd like to do another thorough and serious review of the weekend's X Factor shenanigans, but I just don't know if I can think that far back. Anyway, I'll do my best.

Jedward: I seem to recall quite enjoying this, but I was mainly laughing at their hair. I think Jedward are in danger of taking over the whole programme if we're not careful, and I'm starting to think that might be a bad thing, especially if we consider what a talented performer Olly is, and how he should be getting all the media coverage really.

Olly: I'm becoming quite irrational about this chap, with his cockney brogue and his funny face. Performance of the night, AGAIN, and 110 percent for idiocy.



Lucie, Joe, Stacey and Rachel: Very good. Well done.

Lloyd, Jamie and Danyl: Oh please just go away. BORING.

That was me doing my best. Terribly sorry. Obviously Rachel leaving was quite upsetting, considering that Lloyd is still in the competition. Honestly, John and Edward might not be able to hold the same tune at the same time, or sing in the same key, or perform similar dance moves, but at least they make me laugh.

Cross fingers, pray for Avenged Sevenfold

Hooray, it's rock week on the X Factor tomorrow!! Your playsheet is here.

Yes, it's going to be a whole evening of what ITV1 calls "ROCK" (or sometimes "rawk"): a bit of Queen, perhaps? (Well actually yes, we know there's going to be a bit of Queen). Maybe one or two Bon Jovis and, er... Razorlight? This week is either going to be incredible (if Olly does 'God Gave Rock and Roll to You' I'll be on cloud nine) or as dull as Danyl.

My main X Factor-related annoyance of this week has been the sheer number of intelligent people (including my own bonk-eyed future husband Russell Howard) who've said something along the lines of "I hope everyone votes for Jedward, just to annoy Simon Cowell! Haha, I bet he's fuming! LOL!"

He owns the damn production company, you fools. More controversy = more votes = more money for the Cowell. He wouldn't give a flying monkey if Jedward turned out to be the new Hitler Youth and won the series with a stirring rendition of The Fight Song by Marilyn Manson - it's all money for him, and it doesn't mean Jedward will suddenly take over the charts. After the Christmas single, they'll disappear quicker than you can say "identical twin Steve Brooksteins".

If you want to annoy Cowell, just don't vote for anyone. Simple as that.

Of course, this doesn't mean we shouldn't all keep watching it, completing our playsheets and dialling in our make-believe "votes" with a series of elaborate mimes. Down with capitalism, etc. Until the final couple of weeks, obviously. Ahem.

'Up' will make you feel down, but also up. What?

It's hard to tell people about a good film without giving away bits of it, and I'm not a movie reviewer by trade ("NO WAY" - the world) so this is going to be quite rubbish, but I need to tell you to watch Up at the cinema, because it's ace.

It's not just ace in the same way that other Disney Pixar films are ace. Yes, it looks nice: the animation of humans has come on leaps and bounds in just ten years, and the scenery might as well be live-action in parts. But it's the story that's really a cut above, and it's certainly the most mature offering Disney Pixar has given us.

In case you don't know, Up is a film about an elderly man, Carl, who attaches helium balloons to his house and floats away to explore South America. He unintentionally brings a small boy with him, and meets an exotic bird and a talking dog. As I say, it's properly mature (honestly, it is).

The fight scenes and elaborate set-pieces were obviously crowbarred in to keep the kids happy, and they're the weakest points of the film. The rest of it is incredible.

It was clearly made for grown-ups: Up is a film about getting old, about loneliness, love, companionship, death and letting go of the past. It's about "living the dream", but it's also about how life gets in the way of living the dream, and about how that doesn't necessarily matter - you should appreciate the dream you're living, not hanker after the one you missed out on. I know that sounds terribly corny the way I say it, but the film makes quite a subtle point of it, and doesn't drown itself in mawkishness.

Having said that, it's terribly sad. I was welling up from about ten minutes in, and cried on and off throughout the rest of the film. The way Carl is introduced and earns your sympathy is... well, it's done really really well. (This Film 2009 lark is tougher than it looks, okay?)

It's not just the opening scenes though. There are probably three or four desperately affecting moments throughout the rest of the film. I won't go into detail about these scenes because it would give too much away, but let's just say that if I ever get married there is no WAY I'm having a personalised post-box with handprints on it. NO WAY.

Anyway, you should go and see it. It's truly astounding, and you will cry, but you will also laugh a bit, and go "ah bless".

And the professional movie reviewers of the world sleep soundly in their beds yet again.

Poor reasoning, brilliant songs

1. Groove Armada, I Won't Kneel

If David Bowie and Annie Lennox had a baby together, and that baby was a song, that song/baby would look and sound exactly like this.

Update: You can completely ruin the meaning of this song in your head if you imagine she's singing "I won't, Neil."



2. Marina and the Diamonds, Mowgli's Road

If Marina formed a band with some diamonds, that band recorded a song called Mowgli's Road, and a completely mad person was allowed to direct the video, that song/video would look and sound exactly like this.

AA Gill: Baboon boy

AA Gill (Jeremy Clarkson's friend and restaurant reviewer for The Times) has shot a baboon for fun. It's not the kind of thing you expect to hear, but it's true.

When I first heard about this (through Twitter of course), I'm proud to say that my reaction was one of perspective and good humour. People shoot other humans for fun sometimes, or because they've been told to by a vengeful or greedy government, or they shoot elephants for ivory, or drop cats from multi-storey carparks. Unless it's a large-scale tragedy or something that affects your own day-to-day life, if you get upset about all these little things you'll end up mad.

It's the kind of thing that provokes a series of jokes rather than proper outrage, as it probably should do if you just hear the sentence "AA Gill has shot a baboon for fun." Baboon is a funny word, for starters - how can you not ridicule a story that contains the word 'baboon'? It sounds like balloon.

But if you read the offending article, where AA himself (Christ knows what it stands for and I'm not going to look it up) tells us all about his baboon-shooting experience, it's impossible to stay calm for long.

It's his attitude that bothers me the most, like he did the whole thing for an amusing anecdote, thinking he's oh-so-clever and terribly rebellious and everyone will love him for it. He blames his bloodlust on the fact that he was wearing a hat (not quite as funny as Jedward's "our suits were too red" excuse, but twice as deadly), and describes the whole thing as "naughty fun". Sigh...

Of course, anyone who complains about this will sound like a "tiresome and predictable animal lover" (quoting one of the comments on the Times website), but ho-hum. Ending a life because you think it makes you funny, or it gives you a sense of power, is pretty tiresome and predictable too.

We'll use the one thing we've got more of...

YIKES. Yesterday the NME website ran a story about Jarvis Cocker - it's like 1998 all over again (only they probably didn't have a website in 1998).

The upshot of it is that Pulp could be reforming to play next year's Glastonbury - Jarvis has even gone so far as to say "there'll be a band reunion." Mind you, this quote came from The People, so I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.

I hope it's true though. I hope it's true like I hope I'll live past the age of 40, and like I hope Russell Howard will one day move into the flat next door to me. It must happen. IT WILL HAPPEN.

Pulp were always seen as part of the whole (rubbish word alert) Britpop movement of the mid to late 90s, but I saw them as more of a pop act, with an edge. Yes, they had guitars and whatnot, but that wasn't really their sound as such.

The rest of Britpop was full of your Oasises, your Great-Escape-era Blurs, your Casts, your Dodgys - a wall of guitar noise with a rabble-rousing shout over the top of it all. Brilliant in its way, and God knows those bands gave us some classics (well, Oasis did), but Pulp were... well, a different class (sorry).

Britpop was all about being working class and young, for the most part. It was a reaction to 18 years of Tory government, the workers rising up against their oppression, a design for life and all that. Oasis made the most of the image that British working class people are sweary, ignorant, football-obsessed and violent towards their siblings. Blur went for the cheeky cockney angle, perhaps a bit cleverer (they talked about art every now and then) but mainly up-the-apples-and-pears mindless babble (I'm talking The Great Escape here).

But Pulp weren't afraid to tell the world that, yes, they were working class but they were also the most intelligent band around. Jarvis might not have been talking party politics in every interview, but the way he expressed himself in every lyric was poetic. Every song on Different Class is a melodic masterpiece of well-expressed frustration, sexual confusion, and a desire to break through the confines of their class - not to "make it" or become famous, but simply to get away from the ignorant loons.

Jarvis obviously had issues with feeling he was somehow better than his peers, but his fans could relate to him - he didn't sound cocky or over-confident, just frustrated. "Can't you see a giant walks among you, seeing through your petty lives?" (from I Spy) is the kind of line that, delivered by Jarvis, doesn't make you think "what kind of arse would say that?" - it makes you think "wow, the people he's talking about must be scum."

The sound of Pulp was the sound of a geeky, awkward overgrown teenager trapped in his bedroom, reading poetry and thinking about girls. But it was also the sound of me and my schoolfriends bellowing the lyrics to Mis-Shapes after one too many Lambrinis, and it was the sound of a whole subculture of young people trying to tell the world that we weren't all halfwits.

And, judging by the way young British people are viewed now, and how many of those young people must be screaming out for understanding, we need Jarvis and his band more than ever. Please come back, Pulp - we miss you.

Friday minus four

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's Monday. Mondays are bad, but we can save ourselves from the Monday blues with a sweet and cheery little song. Here we go.



There, that's better. Now back to work.

Westdeath

So, Miss Frank have become this year's X Factor sacrificial lambs. They might as well have made Dermot point straight down the camera lens and scream "You didn't vote, did you?! DID YOU?!?!! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU ABSOLUTE SET OF BASTARDS. I hope you're pleased with yourselves", and then flounce off as if he's never going to talk to us again.

Surprisingly, the part of last night's results show that's likely to give me the most nightmares over the coming weeks and months, and will appear in the crayon drawings I do for my therapist when I've finally managed to block it out of my conscious mind, was Rave Westlife.

Observe:



I can't decide whether it's a visual imagining of what an epileptic fit feels like, or Westlife's artistic interpretation of death. Either way, by the end of it I was wishing I had a glowstick and whistle to hand, if only to drown out the terrifying sights and sounds. No offence.

Next week is 'Rock Week' - how exciting! Any ideas what Jedward might do? I'm hoping for Creep by Radiohead. I can already picture the dance moves.

John: (Pointing to self, smiling) "Cos I'm a creep!"

Edward: (Pointing to self, smiling) "I'm a weirdo!"

John: (Doing massive comedy shrug, hands by ears) "What the hell am I doing here?"

Edward: (Shaking head) "I don't belong here!"

(They both do jazz hands while swapping over to other side of stage).

Calculators out: it's X Factor time

Do you find having to juggle a full-time job, kids, family life, housework etc gets on top of you sometimes? You just try juggling three text conversations, Twitter and a very complicated scoring system, baking a cake and keeping one eye on the TV screen for two hours - then you'll know what REAL hardship is.

This is what I was doing last night, watching the increasingly brilliant X Factor accompanied by a clipboard and calculator. It's perhaps more of an administration duty than a light entertainment programme these days.

Olly: A great start to the show, but why do they keep putting him on at the beginning? It's almost like they want him to leave - has he done something to upset Simon? Encroached on his "turf" with the ladies or something? Anyway, 582 percent and the runaway winner again.

Lloyd: This child is out of his depth and he needs to leave, for his own sake as well as mine. Cheryl's obviously worrying that none of her acts have a 'signature move' like the Ollydance, hence the backflip - he should do it every week now, and in slow motion during ballads.

Miss Frank: Hooray for Miss Frank, and for Graziella coming onstage with her nan's walking stick and doing a rap about life. Was this two-weeks-of-jeopardy-followed-by-massive-comeback thing planned by Louis from the outset? Is he really an evil genius? Hmmmm...

Rachel: A better dress this week, sensible hair (I think I preferred it when it was all mad), a good song, and she's adopted Stacey's personality for the Dermot interview. She still won't get any votes.

Jamie: ABSENCE OF TEATOWEL ALERT. But perhaps the teatowel contained all his superpowers, for this week Jamie is bottom of the league with minus 174 percent. I don't think his performance was as bad as, say, Lloyd's, but Jamie loses points for hair and disingenuousness (I told you it was a complicated scoring system).

Stacey Fromdagenham: Please don't keep crying in your video introductions, Stacey - the stiff-upper-lipped British public won't stand for it and you'll be out on your ear.

Danyl: I hate this man more and more each week. Dull dull dull dull dull. "I'm a massive Michael Buble fan", he says - OH REALLY, WHAT AN INTERESTING SURPRISE.

Joe: I didn't like the idea of Joe being "sexed up" for this song. Thank heavens it didn't work or we'd all be arrested. Should have done a backflip.

Lucie: I keep forgetting this girl's name, which probably isn't a good sign, but she was quite good this week. I still wouldn't buy one of her albums in a million years.

Jedward: What can I say about Jedward? Their excuses for last week's performance range from "he touched my microphone" to "our suits were too red", but it was still essential viewing. This week, surrounded by all the out-of-work dancers in London and relying on a backing track that basically did all their singing for them, Jedward were brilliant yet again, in an entirely untalented way. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the day they stay in the competition at Olly's, Stacey's or Miss Frank's expense, I will hunt them down and shoot them in the face, but until that day comes they are more than welcome to stick around and entertain me.


So, again this week's "vote" goes to Olly Murs, although Lucie, Miss Frank and Stacey were all brilliant as well. Lloyd simply HAS to be in the bottom two or I will cry. And I wouldn't be surprised if Rachel was there again too - I'd be much happier if not a single person in the UK voted for Jamie or Danyl, but I can't see this happening.

Results show tonight at 8pm and I'm going to be out, so can someone please text me and tell me what's going on? Cheers.

"They've stolen ALL our jobs!"

I was just about to have a go at those pesky tabloids again, for having the nerve to complain about the BNP when all they do is legitimise and normalise precisely the same views as Nick Griffin espouses, only in a slightly more underhanded way.

But the enemies of reason blog got there first (it's my fault really, for doing a day's work yesterday - this will not be happening again) and expressed it in such a way that there's really no point in me doing it too. I'd just read that if I were you - it's brilliant.

Bonk-eyed future husband

Poor Russell Howard, having to air the first episode of his brand new series - Russell Howard's Good News - at the same time as the most-talked-about episode of Question Time there has ever been. Even I, his biggest fan (*stares into middle distance while toying with a mallet*), had to watch it on the iPlayer late last night.

But I'd definitely recommend it for next week: it's like a cross between the best bits of Mock The Week (the Russell Howard bits) and Harry Hill's TV Burp. It's mainly new material, as far as I can work out, but with a definite air of Russell's stand-up stuff, where he tells us that the world doesn't have to be made up of bigots and stupidity, and that there is always good news if you look for it.

If nothing else, he's living proof that you can have a wonky eye without being all bitter and racist about it.

More exciting than anything

Popjustice have really outdone themselves with this week's X Factor playsheet, which is truly a work of genius. Not only does it demand for some very unflattering crayon drawings of each member of the over-25s category (sorry Olly), the scoresheet's astonishing detail allows for marks out of a possible 990 percent.

HOW CAN YOU RESIST?! (You can't).

Download here, print it off, complete it, and keep it forever in your X Factor scrapbook alongside a lock of Dermot's hair and your psychiatrist's report.

Charisma my arse

Nick "I'm not a racist" Griffin

Tonight's Question Time wasn't perfect, and not just because it featured Nick Griffin, as part of his campaign to be seen as "the acceptable face of the BNP" (according to a BBC report). Seriously, if that's an acceptable face then I'm Martin Luther King.

It would have been nice if Jack Straw had given a straight answer to the reasonable question of why people aren't turning out to vote, if only to demonstrate how far removed Labour is from the duplicitous, slippery BNP. Whatever you think of the mainstream parties, it MUST be emphasised that the BNP is a whole different animal, otherwise we're doomed - Straw certainly didn't help to erase the view that "these politicians are all the same, you can't trust any of them". In fact, when asked whether he was trustworthy, Griffin took great pleasure in making this point - if you don't trust him, that makes him just the same as the rest of them, and equally worth voting for.

And it was unfortunate that the only Labour MP who agreed to share a stage with Griffin was Jack Straw, giving Fat Hitler a cheap shot at the invasion of Iraq - it might be old news now, and Griffin was clutching at straws, but it still had an impact.

Generally though, I thought Griffin was asked all the right questions by an articulate and passionate audience, and was handed his own arse on a plate. He came across as ill-informed, out of his depth and desperate. And there were at least two occasions when he made an ultra-despicable statement and David Dimbleby actually did a double-take and made him repeat himself.

He must have broken a record for the number of times one person has ever claimed to have been misquoted. And, when Dimbleby challenged him with "actually you haven't been misquoted - we've seen footage of you saying these things", he left Griffin looking baffled. One thing he didn't deny, though, was that he was a holocaust denier. I hope the people who voted for this man in the European elections listened very carefully to that bit.

His attempts to act the jolly non-racist and nervously laugh along with Bonnie Greer were pitiful and more cringeworthy than an episode of The Office. And, speaking of Greer, I thought she was the star of the show - dignified, well-informed, sharp and unflappable. I loved her remark about the British public having too much common sense to vote for these bastards.

When, five minutes before the end, Dimbleby said he wanted to steer away from talking about the BNP and broached the subject of Jan Moir's Daily Mail article, I was disappointed - I felt that Griffin hadn't been given quite enough rope to hang himself with yet, and it was a shame it all had to end. But then, what's this I hear? "The sight of two men kissing is revolting"; "what they do behind closed doors, blah blah blah"... brilliant, Nick. I imagine a lot of BNP supporters are just in it for the racism - I'm glad you reminded them that you're a homophobic party too. Perhaps next time you can go for the misogynist angle as well. Amazing.

As a final insult, Griffin praised the democratic system that allowed him to share his views on a mainstream BBC programme, as if he wouldn't tear down that very same democracy if he ever got into power himself.

I enjoyed watching Griffin sweat it out over an hour of perfectly justifiable torture. But I have no idea how I'd have viewed that hour if I was a BNP supporter, or a potential one. Would his sweaty, shaky-handed, shifty delivery have convinced me of anything? Would I have been applauding his comments about immigration? I really don't know, but if he was the charismatic leader I was worried he might be, things would have been a lot worse.