Jedwardian architecture

And the Straight Face of the Week award goes to... Simon Cowell, for keeping his emotions under control when Dermot revealed that the bottom two acts were Olly and Jedward.

Anything you'd like to say, Cowell? "I'd just like to thank the public for not voting for these two acts - it honestly couldn't have worked out better for me, money-wise, and my face nearly burst from trying not to look like I was enjoying it, but somehow I kept it together."

What he really wanted to do

Yes, on the final week of the judges having a say in who stays and who goes, somehow they managed to look like the good guys by sending Jedward packing. Not only that, but they also got in a quick "NO ONE'S SAFE - do you see? VOTE!" message by putting Olly in jeopardy. I'm not saying it's fixed (I'm honestly not) but if it was, this is exactly what they'd have chosen to do this week. It's no wonder the X Factor is so popular - its storylines rival Neighbours for sheer drama and lunacy.

So, what happened on Saturday?

Lloyd: This is getting silly now. When will people learn to compare him against the other contestants, not against how rubbish he was in his previous performance? Anyway, poor Lloyd was terrible again but survives to honk out another tune next weekend. SAVE LLOYD.

Stacey: Fine but a bit dull. I agreed with Cowell about Stacey - she was better in Queen week. Now that she's the only girl left, Dannii thinks she's getting all feminist on our asses by insisting we vote for her, and this is exactly why Germaine Greer should appear as a guest on the Xtra Factor.

Jedward: They had a bad week, and it was the right time for them to go (as predicted by me, I think you'll find). The architects of Jedward's rise and fall should be very proud of themselves. So, what's next for Jedward? Everyone's saying they should be children's TV presenters, which somewhat assumes that presenting kids' TV is a job any old moron could do. This must be quite galling for the likes of 'Sam and Mark'.

Danyl: I'd describe Danyl's performance this week as average, which is better than previous weeks. This is all very well, but your favourite popstar should be someone you wouldn't mind being left alone in a room with.

Olly: Oh Olly, I do love you but there are better George Michael songs than that one (although none come to mind right now). I don't think the song choice explains why people didn't vote though: everyone assumed Olly was safe, but we won't be making that mistake again, mark my words. *Prepares for biggest telephone bill ever seen*.

Joe: Absolutely bloody spot-on again, Joe. He really is astonishingly good, but he's perhaps a bit too perfect for me. I like my popstars with a bit less stage school polish. But I do genuinely wish him all the best (I'm sure he's pleased to hear this) and, if Olly loses out to Joe in the final, I'll be relatively gracious in defeat. (Translation: just a small nervous breakdown and maybe a little killing spree).

So, whose Youtube video am I going to choose this week? Okay, just for a laugh it's Jedward's final performance: the one in which they did a much-loved Boyzone ballad to show off the magnificent singing prowess that's been hidden behind those dancers all this time. Bye, Jedward - it's been emotional.