Irritable Cowell syndrome

Okay, I've figured out how I feel about yesterday's X Factor results. But first, let's go through Saturday night's performances shall we? Right.

Stacey Fromdagenham: Another great performance from Stacey, and she's still one of my favourites but... I don't know, I'm just not getting all that excited about her any more. Yes, she's got a great voice and it's completely different from her speaking voice, but I'm over that now. Do something different next week, Stace: I suggest a rave anthem. It worked for Westlife.

Olly: There is something new and different and interesting about this chap every week. This week it was the striped bobblehat he was wearing in his VT, which had me excitedly referring to him as "Where's Olly?" for the whole weekend. I literally love him, and so does everyone else.

Lloyd: I think I need to make my position on Lloyd very clear. He seems like a very sweet and lovely young chap, but he's not as good as the rest of them. It's not his fault though, and I do feel bad for him when everyone takes the piss. Poor Lloyd.

Jamie: BORING BORING BORING BORING. *Shoots self in head*.

Lucie: Still boring, but she was growing on me a bit before her untimely exit (more on that later). I spent most of her and Jamie's performances discussing what it means if you're gay and wear a sort of hanky thing in your back pocket like Jamie does. The results of this discussion are frankly unpublishable.

Danyl: His 'serious face' is still getting on my nerves and he needs to stop being so needy.

Jedward: This was the first performance of Jedward's that I didn't really enjoy. They've drowned in Brian Friedman's "ironic modern dance" thing and are just playing it for laughs now, which of course makes it completely unfunny.

Joe: Awwww, bless him. Joe was really good this week - second favourite behind Olly. Clearly Louis's comment about him being a 'musical theatre star' was a euphemism and just wishful thinking. I was going to give you a Youtube clip of Joe, but Popjustice got there first and you might think I'm copying. Actually it doesn't matter does it? Here goes.



Incidentally, Popjustice has also done a lovely write-up of Joe, which talks about his 'special relationship' with Cheryl and his endearing head-tilt.

So, that was Saturday. What about Sunday's controversy-o-rama?

First off, Cowell. Why does everyone blame Cowell for taking it to (dramatic sound-effect) DEADLOCK? The set-up of the whole show is silly, and there's not really any point in having the sing-off (apart from to increase the tension and drag it out for another 20 minutes). But it's not Cowell's fault that Lucie and Jedward ended up in the bottom two.

Secondly, I'd have preferred it if Lloyd, Jamie or Danyl had been chucked out, but Lucie really isn't that interesting either so I'm not that fussed about her leaving.

Unfortunately it all comes down to democracy in the end. Did you vote? Would you have bought a Lucie Jones album? No? Why not? Because, at this stage, you're probably not really that bothered. And let's face it, it's only a game show.

Yes, Cowell and co would have you believe that, if you didn't vote, you have no business complaining - as if it's the same thing as a general election being called, you not bothering to vote, and Nick Griffin suddenly becoming Prime Minister. But it's not the same thing - the X Factor is built on controversy, tabloid coverage, and people talking. This has got people talking, and it will get people voting next week. That's all there is to it, and that's why Cowell took it to (boom boom) DEADLOCK: so that you'll have no-one to blame but yourselves.

Jedward can have another week or two. After that, the viewing public will know the other contenders well enough to have a firm favourite and keep watching to the end. And Jedward, mere pawns in Cowell's evil game, will be taken out through the studio's back door and humanely put to sleep.