Calculators out: it's X Factor time

Do you find having to juggle a full-time job, kids, family life, housework etc gets on top of you sometimes? You just try juggling three text conversations, Twitter and a very complicated scoring system, baking a cake and keeping one eye on the TV screen for two hours - then you'll know what REAL hardship is.

This is what I was doing last night, watching the increasingly brilliant X Factor accompanied by a clipboard and calculator. It's perhaps more of an administration duty than a light entertainment programme these days.

Olly: A great start to the show, but why do they keep putting him on at the beginning? It's almost like they want him to leave - has he done something to upset Simon? Encroached on his "turf" with the ladies or something? Anyway, 582 percent and the runaway winner again.

Lloyd: This child is out of his depth and he needs to leave, for his own sake as well as mine. Cheryl's obviously worrying that none of her acts have a 'signature move' like the Ollydance, hence the backflip - he should do it every week now, and in slow motion during ballads.

Miss Frank: Hooray for Miss Frank, and for Graziella coming onstage with her nan's walking stick and doing a rap about life. Was this two-weeks-of-jeopardy-followed-by-massive-comeback thing planned by Louis from the outset? Is he really an evil genius? Hmmmm...

Rachel: A better dress this week, sensible hair (I think I preferred it when it was all mad), a good song, and she's adopted Stacey's personality for the Dermot interview. She still won't get any votes.

Jamie: ABSENCE OF TEATOWEL ALERT. But perhaps the teatowel contained all his superpowers, for this week Jamie is bottom of the league with minus 174 percent. I don't think his performance was as bad as, say, Lloyd's, but Jamie loses points for hair and disingenuousness (I told you it was a complicated scoring system).

Stacey Fromdagenham: Please don't keep crying in your video introductions, Stacey - the stiff-upper-lipped British public won't stand for it and you'll be out on your ear.

Danyl: I hate this man more and more each week. Dull dull dull dull dull. "I'm a massive Michael Buble fan", he says - OH REALLY, WHAT AN INTERESTING SURPRISE.

Joe: I didn't like the idea of Joe being "sexed up" for this song. Thank heavens it didn't work or we'd all be arrested. Should have done a backflip.

Lucie: I keep forgetting this girl's name, which probably isn't a good sign, but she was quite good this week. I still wouldn't buy one of her albums in a million years.

Jedward: What can I say about Jedward? Their excuses for last week's performance range from "he touched my microphone" to "our suits were too red", but it was still essential viewing. This week, surrounded by all the out-of-work dancers in London and relying on a backing track that basically did all their singing for them, Jedward were brilliant yet again, in an entirely untalented way. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the day they stay in the competition at Olly's, Stacey's or Miss Frank's expense, I will hunt them down and shoot them in the face, but until that day comes they are more than welcome to stick around and entertain me.


So, again this week's "vote" goes to Olly Murs, although Lucie, Miss Frank and Stacey were all brilliant as well. Lloyd simply HAS to be in the bottom two or I will cry. And I wouldn't be surprised if Rachel was there again too - I'd be much happier if not a single person in the UK voted for Jamie or Danyl, but I can't see this happening.

Results show tonight at 8pm and I'm going to be out, so can someone please text me and tell me what's going on? Cheers.