It's not right, but it's okay

Yes, I completed my Popjustice X Factor playsheet, and bloody good fun it was too. Want to know what I think of all the acts on this week's show? No? Go away then.

Lucie: I’m sorry but this girl is just boring. She seems like a nice enough person and everything, but if being nice was the way to win X Factor we’d all be winners. Apart from… well, you know who you are.

Olly: This gentleman is going to get top marks every week (he gave it 358 percent tonight) until that dance move starts to bore me. I LOVE that Tina Turner song, and his attitude. His performance generally was TOP NOTCH.

Miss Frank: Boring, and I never thought I’d say that about these girls. This is Louis’s influence, even from beyond Stephen Gately’s grave.

Rachel: This girl is always falling arse over tit, and I love her for it. And she was borrowing Dannii’s hairpiece at the same time as Dannii was wearing it. Derren Brown's split-screen technique is to blame for this.

Joe: I don’t know if anyone remembers this, but last week Joe was wearing a massive hoodie-and-coat combo, and this week he’s wearing a duffel coat. He won’t feel the benefit, you know. Good performance though – well done Joe.

Danyl: This man has the charisma of a flannel, and I don’t know why the camera people assume I want to look down his throat so much – I’m not his GP, ffs.

Lloyd: I can’t repeat here what I texted to Sarah while this performance was happening. Suffice to say, I didn’t enjoy it. Minus 64 points from me, and bottom of the league: if he won’t do high notes, he’s never going to be a decent singer. In my professional opinion (ahem).

John and Edward (henceforth "Jedward"): I think the tide is turning on these pillocks – I refer, of course, to the "get Jedward off the X Factor" tide, which has turned into the "harhar, Jedward are actually quite funny and a lot more interesting than SOME OF THEM (Danyl)" tide.

Rikki: This chap still baffles me, and I still don’t approve of his eyebrow. Quote from Danni: “I see a bit of Will Young in you.” Homophobe.

Jamie: If the definition of “talented singer” is “odd little man with a creepy face, who takes himself very seriously, and has an invisible gospel choir and an unexplained teatowel hanging out of his trousers” then Jamie is a talented singer.

Stacey Fromdagenham: Second place with 248 points, Stacey would have benefited from a better song but is otherwise brilliant. Am I the only one who wants to see her as Doctor Who’s next companion?

So, according to my scoresheet Rikki and Lloyd should be the bottom two this week, but I have a bad feeling about Miss Frank and Rachel. I really enjoyed Jedward but could never bring myself to vote for them, so this week's vote* goes to Olly Murs, bless him and his double-jointed ankles. Who agrees with me?


* Not an actual vote.