Gentlemen, let's close up for Christmas

Well OBVIOUSLY I was always going to save this one for Christmas Eve. The best (and most appropriate) song from the best Christmas movie ever. Enjoy.



I hope you all have a fun and happy day tomorrow, and Santa brings you everything you've asked for. Merry Christmas.

Blue Peter Christmas "Special"

Is it me, or is this the weirdest bit of Christmas telly ever seen?



Unfortunately all of the cast and crew involved in making this died of embarrassment as soon as the cameras were switched off.

Big yellow digger

As an X Factor fan, you might think I'd be bitter about the Christmas number one debacle this year, but I am not. Let Rage have their day - it means nothing. NOTHING.

Why so cynical? Well, since you ask, my faith in the Christmas charts was first shaken back in the 1990s when the following CLASSIC TUNE was outsold by Mr Blobby.



But it wasn't until 2005 that I really gave up on the British public's ability to choose a decent festive hit. That was the year that Nizlopi released the JCB Song, below, which was surprisingly successful but not quite successful enough. It's not really about Christmas (neither is Babe, to be fair), but it's beautiful and simple, Optimus Prime is in the video and I love it. It was beaten to number one by Shayne Ward. Tut.

It's sentimental, I know

So, Killing in the Name is number one in the Christmas charts, and we all thought it was just a race between that and poor little geordie Joe's tune about climbing. It's only now that I've discovered a song that was also released in time for the Christmas charts, and is more deserving of the number one slot than both of them put together.

I'm not normally a fan of Tim Minchin, but White Wine in the Sun is everything I've ever wanted from a Christmas song. It's funny, it's beautiful, it's melodic, it's emotional and it name-checks Richard Dawkins. Perfect.



It's still available on iTunes, and half the profits are going straight to autism research. Now, isn't that a bit more Christmassy than all the Rage Against shouting and swearing? (Yes).

Over-use of "lovely" alert

Terribly sorry if yesterday's post gave you nightmares. Let's try a couple of lovely heartwarming scenes instead - firstly, the ice dance from my third-favourite Christmas film ever, Edward Scissorhands.



And secondly, a lovely touching moment from my second-favourite Christmas film ever, Gremlins. (Unfortunately I can't embed the YouTubery on this one, so you'll have to click here).

There, that's better. Lovely.

"When a star falls, a heart stops beating", fa la la la la, la la la laaaaa

As the blizzards ravage a festive Plymouth (well, some snow came down a while ago), I am reminded of the story of the Little Match Girl. I used to think that Christmas was all about happiness, family and presents - I was wrong. According to the story of the Little Match Girl, the Christmas season is about a small homeless girl trying to keep warm on the streets, until eventually she becomes so cold that she starts hallucinating and then... well, I'm not really sure what happens - I can never hear it for all the choking and wailing.

The harrowing tale is read here by Kylie Minogue. Yes, Kylie Minogue.



And if you're wondering whether Disney ever made a more child-friendly version, perhaps involving a talking match and a happy ending, your answer is a very firm NOT ON YOUR NELLY.



There, that got you in the Christmas mood, didn't it? DIDN'T IT?!?!! *Throws mince pie at wall*

Ten... pygmies farming

You know how I said yesterday that people sing 'five gold rings' with the kind of gusto normally reserved for Sonia's lines in 'Do they know it's Christmas?' (no need to check yesterday's post - that's exactly what I said, give or take).

Well, for my second daily Thing of Christmas, I hereby present Eddie Izzard singing at you.



Here's hoping I can link all of these posts together in the same seamless and professional way.

The clanging chimes of doom

Would you like a small portion of Christmas loveliness every day between now and Christmas Eve? Would you? Of course you would. Here goes...



First up, the 1989 version of 'Do they know it's Christmas?' - the Stock, Aitken and Waterman one. I love this because it's so frighteningly inappropriate. And because it's got Kylie in it.

My top five things about this version are:

5. Jimmy Somerville bopping his way through his first line.

4. The footage of starving Africans intercut with grinning popstars. If there was ever a perfect excuse to use the word 'juxtaposition', this was it.

3. Michael Buerk's Jedward-style spoken interlude. They missed a trick here: he should have rapped it.

2. A member of Bros (name unknown) delivering the famous Bono line "well tonight thank God it's them instead of yoo-oo-ouu, na na... yeah."

1. Lovely beaming ginger scouse pop personality, Sonia, belting out her lines with the kind of gusto normally reserved for "five gold rings". I can imagine the conversation Sonia had with Pete Waterman before recording this song.

Pete: "Would you like to be involved with a cover of the famous Band Aid classic from a few years ago, love?"

Sonia (beaming): "What's that then?"

Pete: "You know - Do They Know It's Christmas?"

Sonia (beaming): "You what, like?"

Pete: "Bob Geldof and Midge Ure wrote it. It's about famine."

Sonia (beaming): "It sounds a bit serious. What words do I have to sing?"

Pete: "You have to sing 'The greatest gift they'll get this year is life.'"

Sonia (beaming): "Aw, that's nice - it's about presents! I'll do it!"

An appeal on behalf of Olly Murs

There was no point in writing about last week's X Factor because (a) I've said it all before, and (b) the most interesting thing that happened was Rihanna appearing on a pre-watershed ITV1 programme to sing about shooting herself in the head. We all know how I feel about that song, so I'm going to leave well alone.

Unfortunately, this week there really is something that needs saying, and it's not good. I have a terrible feeling that this will be the week we say goodbye to the lovely Olly Murs.

I'm choking up just writing about it.

I don't know what's made me fear tonight's results show in the same way Jamie Archer fears a trip to the hairdresser. Perhaps it's because Olly was the first to perform this week and, sadly, the others will be more fresh in viewers' minds when they vote.

Perhaps it's because, for the first time ever, even I rated a Danyl performance as "acceptable" (Man In The Mirror, not the other one).

Perhaps it's because everyone on the Xtra Factor seems to think he's on his way home.

Or perhaps it's because he's a retro performer on a show where We Can Work It Out is considered "not a very well-known song" (cheers Louis).

I realise you might be a fan of one of the other ones (you know... Joe, whatsisface, and whatserface), but I beg you, if you have a telephone and a finger, please vote for Olly tonight. And here's why:









Oh bloody hell, I'm going to be watching all that when they show his "best bits", aren't I? Argh.

Please don't allow this to happen. The number is 0901 61 61 101, and it's 35p from a BT line.